#19: Don't Lose Yourself While Fitting In
Dear friend,
Have you tried your very best to fit in to get by?
Confusion
I’ve been watching Ted Lasso. My husband was hooked on the premise, so we started viewing this acclaimed series.
One scene left an indelible mark on me. Jamie is a pompous star player who had to conform to fit in, after falling from grace.
Yet his team wasn’t winning. Frustrated, he tried to get coaching advice from Roy. Here’s what Roy said:
“You (Ted) made him a team player… and in doing so, you made him average. Cos’ Jamie, deep down, at your core, you are a prick. So just be a prick. We need you to score more goals and [put the other team in place, which only you can do].
"I’m saying sometimes, (be a prick) when it’s appropriate.”
I was floored. We never really think about what we’re losing when we change to fit in – especially if we’re coached to smoothen a prickly trait.
Yet this could be what makes us win critical matches in life.
Connection
I was reminded of this lesson the next day. I had to complete a timed video and written assessment for a job application.
Although I was prepared, my videoed replies felt raw. I lamented to my friend that I wasn’t polished enough.
Her reply to my “unpolished” state was punny and spot-on:
“It’s OK, Yiling. We’re not silverware.”
Interestingly, I didn’t care as much last year, when my burnout was fresh. Now, nearly a year later, I had to take a hard look at my wants and trim them to face some harsh realities.
Yet I was running into the same predicament as Jamie: in being more of a “team player," what parts of ourselves might we be sacrificing?
What if these traits are precisely what we need to score in life?
Clarity
Now that I know I might be vulnerable, I'll prepare even more judiciously before attending interviews. I'll pen down my non-negotiables and keep asking the right questions for fit.
These prompts can help you connect to who you are amidst social pressure:
- Which part(s) of you “deep down, at your core” have you sacrificed to social acceptance, especially when the going got tough?
- How might it have dimmed your light or impacted your excellence?
- What is one step you will take to redeem this trait with realistic optimism?
Before, I was a principled non-conformist who preferred doing things my way – with connection, care, and critical thinking. Surprisingly, these traits can be in short supply. Recently, I’ve found myself questioning my non-conformist trait as I balance reality with idealism.
I will recenter by walking into any job interview with this question: to what extent will this position allow me to utilize my winning traits?
Personal growth shouldn’t be pursued at the expense of our strengths. I don’t want to lose myself while fitting in – and I hope you won’t too.
Always in your center,
Yiling
Some of these stars couldn’t fit in, but used their “prickly” traits for success:
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